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A reader apparently bruised by some personal experience，writes in to complain，"If I steal a nickel's worth of merchan-dise，I am a thief and punished；but if I steal the love of an-other's wife，I am free．" This is a prevalent misconception in many people's minds--that love，like merchandise，can be"stolen．"But love is not a commodity；the real thing cannot be bought，sold，traded or stolen．It is an act of the will，a turning of the emotions，a change in the climate of the personality． When a husband or wife is"stolen"by another person，that husband or wife was already ripe for the stealing，was al-ready predisposed　 toward a new partner．The"lovebandit"was only taking what was waiting to be taken，what wanted to be taken． We tend to treat persons like goods．We even speak of children"belonging"to their parents．But nobody"belongs"to anyone else．Each person belongs to himself．Children are en-trusted to their parents，and if their parents do not treat them properly，the state has a right to remove them from their par-ents'trusteeship． Most of us，when young，had the experience of a sweet-heart being taken from us by somebody more attractive and more appealing．At the time，we may have resented this in truder--but as we grew older，we recognized that the sweetheart had never been ours to begin with．It was not the intruder that"caused"the break，but the lack of a real relationship． On the surface，many marriages seem to break up because of a"third party．"Th is is，however，a psycholog-ical illusion．The other woman or the other man merely serves as a pretext for dissolving a marriage that had al-ready lost its essential integrity． Nothing is more futile and more self-defeating than the bitterness of spurned love，the vengeful feeling that someone else has"come between"oneself and a beloved．This is always a distortion of reality，for people are not the captives or victims of others--they are free agents，worki ng out their own destinies for good or for ill． But the rejected lover or mate cannot afford to be-lieve that his beloved has freely turned away from him--and so he ascribes sinister or magical properties to the interloper．He calls him a hypnotist or a thief or a home-breaker．In the vast majority of cases，however，when a home is broken, the breaking has begun long before any"third party"has appeared on the scene ．
一位讀者顯然是在個人經(jīng)歷上受過創(chuàng)傷，他寫信來抱怨道："如果我偷走了五分錢的商品 ，我就是個賊，要受到懲罰；但是如果我偷走了他人妻子的愛情，我沒事兒。" 這是許多人心目中普遍存在的一種錯覺--愛情，像商品一樣，可以"偷走"。但是愛情并 不是商品；真情實意不可能買到，賣掉，交換，或者偷走。愛情是一種意愿的行為，是 感情的轉(zhuǎn)向，是個性上的變化。 當(dāng)丈夫或妻子被另一個人"偷走"時，那個丈夫或妻子就已經(jīng)具備了被偷走的條件，事先 已經(jīng)準(zhǔn)備接受新的伴侶了。這位"愛匪"不過是取走等人取走、盼人取走的東西。 我們往往待人如物。我們甚至說孩子"屬于"父母。但是誰也不"屬于"誰。人都屬于自己 。孩子是托付給父母的，如果父母不善待他們，政府有權(quán)取消父母對他們的托管身份。 我們多數(shù)人年輕時都有過戀人被某個更有魅力、更迷人的人奪去的經(jīng)歷。在當(dāng)時，我們 興許怨恨這位不速之客--但是后來長大了，也就認識到了心上人本來就不屬于我們。并 不是不速之客"導(dǎo)致了"決裂，而是缺乏真正的感情。 從表面上看，許多婚姻似乎是因為有了"第三者"才破裂的。然而這是一種心理上的錯覺 。另外那個女人，或者另外那個男人，無非是作為借口，用來解除早就不是完好無損的 婚姻罷了。 因失戀而痛苦，因別人"插足"于自己與心上人之間而圖報復(fù)，是最徒勞、最自我折磨的 了。這種事總是歪曲了事實真相，因為誰都不是別人的俘虜或犧牲品--人都是自由行事 的，不論命運是好是壞，都由自己來做主。 但是，遭離棄的情人或配偶無法相信他的心上人是主動地背離他的--因而他歸咎于插足 者心術(shù)不正或迷人有招。他把他叫做催眠師、竊賊或者破壞家族的人。然而，從大多數(shù) 事例看，一個家的破裂，是早在什么"第三者"出現(xiàn)之前就開始了的。