大家好，這是滬江劍橋商務(wù)英語網(wǎng)針對滬江網(wǎng)友在BEC寫作中所遇到的棘手問題而新設(shè)的一個作文輔導(dǎo)欄目。每期欄目我們都會邀請到BEC名師對滬江論壇BEC版塊的網(wǎng)友作文進(jìn)行評點(diǎn)，為各位同學(xué)在BEC的考試準(zhǔn)備中助你一臂之力。

想讓名師評點(diǎn)你的作文嗎？請訂閱BEC寫作類節(jié)目：BEC作文輔導(dǎo)

本期BEC名師：昂立BEC項(xiàng)目部主任張夢琳老師，擔(dān)綱商務(wù)英語聽說、企業(yè)團(tuán)訓(xùn)聽說主講,曾在知名企業(yè)擔(dān)綱首席口譯。從事聽說教學(xué)十年之久，最樂意與同學(xué)分享職場經(jīng)歷，她的教學(xué)理念是：Enjoy learning English in the rest of your life!

本期作文題目：

You are the office manager at an insurance company. You have arranged for contractors to upgrade your computer system. This means the system will be shut down for a full day.

Write a memo of 40-50 words:

informing staff of the shutdown
telling them when it will happen
asking them to prepare alternative work for the day.

老師提示：

商務(wù)寫作中遵循的原則是：簡潔，精確，禮貌。在考試中或者工作中，格式基本已經(jīng)給出，所以只需要我們寫正文即可。正文中我們寫作要做到選詞精當(dāng)，一針見血，語法正確，不出低級錯誤的句子。備忘錄屬于半正式的文體寫作，所以在句子選擇上可以適當(dāng)放寬，不必太正式。


網(wǎng)友作文一：

MEMORANDUM
from : Tom TO : all staff
date : 25/8
Because our computor system will be upgraded by the contractors on 28 AUGUEST, so the system will be shut down for a full day on that day[1], i ask for you prepare alternative work for the[2] day. and the work don't use computer system .
i think you can give a good performance to me to pass the accident. [3]
TOM

_________________________________________

1.Business writing 中盡量少使用because....so... 這樣的結(jié)構(gòu)，看起來不夠?qū)I(yè)，改為：As we plan to upgrade.....
2.有中式英文的痕跡：我要求你們。。。。改為：please prepare alternative work if you have to use the computer.
3.這不能算作accident, 既然已經(jīng)計(jì)劃好了。整句去掉。換成thank you.

網(wǎng)友作文二：

From: office manager
To: all staff
Subject: the company system
I would like to notify you that?[1]the computer system of our company's will be shut down on this Tuesday for a whole day long?[2]on account of the system needs a upgrade.[3]Therefore, please taking notice of this event in advance, in case of some potential inconveniences and troubles on Tuesday,?yet prepare alternative work for that day. [4]
Thank you.[5]

_________________________________________

[1]去掉這個開頭，直接用被動語態(tài)開頭。
[2]去掉，多余了。
[3]如果你不能保證用長復(fù)句可以表達(dá)清楚，那么建議換成短句吧。拆成幾個短句也許表達(dá)更貼切呢。
[4]這句話看起來非常不清楚，主語在哪里？please 的后面是嗎？改成：please make sure that you have prepared alternative work.
[5]另換一行